Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
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When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
All generalizations are stupid.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
How I like cutting carbs
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job