Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
can’t catch a break
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Nomnomnomnom
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you