Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
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Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]