Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

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therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better


*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.



B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.


Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.


During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.


[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?


I love you guys with all my ass. I would say heart, but my ass is bigger.


I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”


Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?


Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain