Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
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My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
We found love in a hopeless place.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Do one person every day that scares you.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I cannot call her anything else now
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?