@TweetPotato314

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

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@Skoog

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

@PeterClayton6

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

@squirrel74wkgn

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

@DanielKostadino

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

@TrueTorontoGirl

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

@The_Sculptress

I love you guys with all my ass. I would say heart, but my ass is bigger.

@ddsmidt

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

@Lamalover2

Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?

@TheWoodenslurpy

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain