Me when my alarm goes off
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[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.