Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]