@PhilJamesson

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

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@canadian_makin

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

@girlontapas

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

@MoneypennyNaked

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

@llvvzzz

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

@longwall26

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ?????

@weinerdog4life

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

@tayandmae

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

@SimplySnaccbar

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “Well, Mrs Jones, you are eating for two now!”

Kate: “I’m pregnant?!”

Doctor: “No. You have a tapeworm.”

@dave_cactus

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.