me when someone tries to get to know me

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Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion


According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??


*erases 1 and writes 0 on the ‘days without incident’ chart at Earl’s Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*


you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise


*opens kitchen garbage to discover there’s no bag in it*

*walks 6 miles to gas station to throw out kleenex rather than putting new bag in*


If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist


why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too


Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!


FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?



ME: to what?


dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy