Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
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According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
*erases 1 and writes 0 on the ‘days without incident’ chart at Earl’s Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
*opens kitchen garbage to discover there’s no bag in it*
*walks 6 miles to gas station to throw out kleenex rather than putting new bag in*
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME: to what?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy