Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
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Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working