Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
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I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.