Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
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When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.