Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

Breaking news:

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.