My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
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I don’t remember 6th grade science being this hard.
But then again, in 6th grade, I wasn’t trying to do homework after 3 glasses of wine.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
*guitarist breaks guitar*
*drummer throws drums*
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My therapist told me cats are not babys, so i let my let my baby shit in his office.