Me, when the whole table decides to get a nacho platter to share

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When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”


I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.


You didn’t come here to be insulted? Why? Where do you usually go?


i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup


[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.


Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.


Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh


“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”


*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask


Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head


*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*