Me, when the whole table decides to get a nacho platter to share

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My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord


I don’t remember 6th grade science being this hard.

But then again, in 6th grade, I wasn’t trying to do homework after 3 glasses of wine.


Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?


I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.


*guitarist breaks guitar*
*drummer throws drums*
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
*bassist plants a bomb*


[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click


My therapist told me cats are not babys, so i let my let my baby shit in his office.