@drinksmcgee

Me, when the whole table decides to get a nacho platter to share

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

@lmegordon

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

@AristotlesNZ

You didn’t come here to be insulted? Why? Where do you usually go?

@tarashoe

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

@notmythirdrodeo

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

@kerihw

Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.

@offbeatoliv

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

@Brianhopecomedy

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

@Ygrene

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

@cloudypianos

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*