I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
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I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles