Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
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Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Dune (2021)
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
That eye roll….
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism