ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
No selfies while hijacking a train.