Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
You Might Also Like
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I need to get some bricks…
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I created you as mosquito food.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys