Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
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I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
This is my cat’s medicine.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this