@Darlainky

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

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@juneohara65

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

@SarahJonesVent

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

@MarfSalvador

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

@McKnightyBoo

Sorry I yelled: BLESS YOU and handed you a tissue after you told me you loved me

Blow your nose, it will pass

@moutheaters

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

@daemonic3

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

@dshack8

Although no words have been spoken per se, I’m pretty sure the dude in the next stall just challenged me to a beat-boxing contest.

@MaryJustice86

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

@jilltwiss

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.