Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan