Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
You Might Also Like
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Netflix and awkward silence?
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi