me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
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I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Raisins are grape jerky.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.