me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
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Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
bugs when you lift up a rock
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?