@BraandoCommando

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

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@Gooooats

I can no longer remember if I’m wearing clothes under this huge pile of candy wrappers.

@Smug_Lemur

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

@tarastrong

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

@envydatropic

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

@PunkHistory

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

@JermHimselfish

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

@Daddy_dougie

I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..

He’s a small arms dealer.

@JasonLastname

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

@RxitWounds

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

@karencreets

Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling