I can no longer remember if I’m wearing clothes under this huge pile of candy wrappers.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
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“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex..
He’s a small arms dealer.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling