me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
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“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?