Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
You Might Also Like
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.