@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

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@ArfMeasures

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

@ThatRascalPuff

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

@momtribevibe

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

@JimmerThatisAll

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

@gojarbe

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

@BromanConsul

“BUT WE’RE DATING!” the blonde screams, “I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND.”
“You were” Hefner chuckles. “Now you’re just some bunny that I used to know.”

@BridgetPhetasy

In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.