ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
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Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.