ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
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*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.