me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
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Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Good dog. ❤️
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.