Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
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Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi