@KalvinMacleod

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

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@Yurt

Someone made a Mario maker stage that just had a single long clear pipe all the way to a goal pole with a description that read.
“This system helps Mario cross over dams in seconds rather than days”

@HuajatollaChic

At least dogs look at you when you’re talking with them as if to say, hell yeah I’d talk to you, but I’m a dog.

@dimplesticks

In an attempt to converse about the amount of stupid in the world I unironically used the phrase , “They’re not the brightest knifes in the box”

My husband is currently holding his head in his hands and rocking

@dave_cactus

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

@vanderheydensax

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

@SoGoFu

Dryer settings:
– not the least bit dry
– shrunk to barely fit 12 yr old you

@CatsVsHumanity

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

@mattZillaaaa

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

@rockymomax

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?