ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

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Someone made a Mario maker stage that just had a single long clear pipe all the way to a goal pole with a description that read.
“This system helps Mario cross over dams in seconds rather than days”


At least dogs look at you when you’re talking with them as if to say, hell yeah I’d talk to you, but I’m a dog.


In an attempt to converse about the amount of stupid in the world I unironically used the phrase , “They’re not the brightest knifes in the box”

My husband is currently holding his head in his hands and rocking


The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.


Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached


Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–


Dryer settings:
– not the least bit dry
– shrunk to barely fit 12 yr old you


Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.


My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans


DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?