ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
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Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.