Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
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Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.