Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

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I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.


Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves….

You have lettuce in your teeth


Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.


Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?


Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together


Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.


the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming


Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit


Someone just called me nice and I’ve never felt so misunderstood.