@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

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@sofarrsogud

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

@greggjgc79

Excuse me, you with the heels that make your calves perfect, designer dress that accentuates your curves….

You have lettuce in your teeth

@msdanifernandez

Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.

@DaddyJew

Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?

@marinhubka

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

@MomOnFire

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

@harriweinreb

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

@ProdigyNelson

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

@MsSkarsgaard

Someone just called me nice and I’ve never felt so misunderstood.