I always imagined saving the planet would involve a silver jumpsuit and a sidekick robot, not separating glass and paper.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
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I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
HR: You put that you were the branch manager…
Me: *empties pocket of sticks* Next question…
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv
Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
What tribe is your bicep from?