@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

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@Kamikaze_Blonde

I always imagined saving the planet would involve a silver jumpsuit and a sidekick robot, not separating glass and paper.

@MedusaOusa

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

@Tmoney68

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

@JKickinit30

[job interview]

HR: You put that you were the branch manager…

Me: *empties pocket of sticks* Next question…

@JJSummertime

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

@dave_cactus

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

@MumInBits

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

@Reverend_Scott

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]