Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
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[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle