Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
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Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*