ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
“Sheer Arrogance”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.