ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
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*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Never be a pizza!
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands