me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
gentlemen, hear me out
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Clients after you give them your rates
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.