If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
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Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos that person is 1% nacho
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
can whoever turned off the bermuda triangle please turn it back on again thanks
You haven’t mastered the Art of Twitter, until you can subtweet yourself, while everyone else thinks it’s about them
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.