@KeetPotato

me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”

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@ShrinkMedia

If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.

@Dank_Pal

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

@cervixsmash

If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos that person is 1% nacho

@YesThatAmy

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

@MarfSalvador

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

@sploosk

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

@itsallbollocks

can whoever turned off the bermuda triangle please turn it back on again thanks

@Alyssa_Jolie

You haven’t mastered the Art of Twitter, until you can subtweet yourself, while everyone else thinks it’s about them

@dixinormus10

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.