True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
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Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
How to draw a duck
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.