what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
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Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!