SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
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Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
hey, alexa
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys