Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.


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Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.


If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?


Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.


I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”


Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..


I spent 20 minutes at the gym trying to untangle my headphones…I’m done..my arms are killing me!


me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair


North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.


Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.