@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

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@roxiqt

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

@markydoodoo

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

@FattMernandez

Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.

@SwaGGTheRapper

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

@angeliav68

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

@Sandrahadenough

I spent 20 minutes at the gym trying to untangle my headphones…I’m done..my arms are killing me!

@mrjohndarby

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

@badbanana

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.