Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

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[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”


I was just dancing like nobody was watching and anyway…

my dogs dialed 911 and these firemen think I’m having a seizure.


The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?


Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today


*Food hits floor*

Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”

King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”


Have you never heard of the boy that cried wolf???
The girl that coughed bees?
The boy that sneezed sharks?
The girl that shit spiders?


You (someone who flips houses): I flip houses

Me (an idiot): you must be very strong


Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?


Just saw a dog with three legs. He did have a fourth leg, but he also had three legs.