Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

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My fathers wife bought a “Christian cookbook” I didn’t even know they had different recipes, I’ve been eating sin all along.


I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.


Avoid confrontations in the work place by slashing your coworker’s tires while they sleep.


Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…

Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.

Gynecologist: Um, your legs


If she doesn’t have a new hair style by the time you’re done, you’re doing it wrong.


Car salesmen: Good evening



why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?


I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.


INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control