4-year-old: The dog.

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[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait


No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries


HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.


I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids


Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”


The fact that Head and Shoulders doesn’t have a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’ disappoints me.


If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.


Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.


By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start