Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

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God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me


I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.


Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.


In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.


WWII was just all the people w/ time machines who went back in time to kill hitler fighting the time travelers who wanted to protect hitler


Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂


I don’t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don’t even like 15 people altogether in my life.


Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.


Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.


Opening a bag of M&M’s will produce no sound to a normal human. A toddler, it’s like the atomic blast at Nagasaki to those creatures