Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
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My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
me when the borders lift
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.