@OctopusCaveman

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

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@rickelverum

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

@merylnyc

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

@House_Feminist

[at the library checking out a book]

[at the library sending a book a drink on me as I wink at it across the bar]

[at the library introducing myself to a book asking if it comes here often]

@LurkAtHomeMom

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

@Marlebean

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

@YourAnMoron

Me “I love you.”
My 3yo “Thanks.”

And just like that, 4 years of High School memories came flooding back.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

@thenoahkinsey

Gerard Butler: Can I get sugar?

Waiter: This is sugar.

*GB stands pissed*

GB: THIS..IS…SPLENDA!!

*GB kicks waiter through glass panel*

@daemonic3

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.