Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”


#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay


[at the library checking out a book]

[at the library sending a book a drink on me as I wink at it across the bar]

[at the library introducing myself to a book asking if it comes here often]


My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*


If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream


Me “I love you.”
My 3yo “Thanks.”

And just like that, 4 years of High School memories came flooding back.


As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?


Gerard Butler: Can I get sugar?

Waiter: This is sugar.

*GB stands pissed*


*GB kicks waiter through glass panel*


[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes


If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.