Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
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Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home