Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
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Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*
[back in heaven]
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
*Holds door for woman
*Slams door in her boyfriend’s face
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
This is everything
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.