Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

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Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much


Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.


Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”


Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.


If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad


*Holds door for woman
*Slams door in her boyfriend’s face


My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.


The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.