@LlamaInaTux

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

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@SvnSxty

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

@Willa_LT

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

@noog

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

@BunAndLeggings

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

@Adar79Angie

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

@jake_lach

*Holds door for woman
*Slams door in her boyfriend’s face

@JJSummertime

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

@neiltyson

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.