Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
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My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me