Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
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I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
As the best book lists of 2021 drop