@liv_thatsme

Me: WHO PUT THE EMPTY MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE?

Me: YOU LIVE ALONE

Me: SHIT

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@AngryRaccoon2

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

@CornOnTheGoblin

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

@_NTFG_

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

@CatherineLMK

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

@sarcasticmommy4

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

@theyearofelan

Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?

@Dana_Bruno

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

@Talkbackatme

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

@decentbirthday

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either