EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Me: WHO PUT THE EMPTY MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE?
Me: YOU LIVE ALONE
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her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me