me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
You Might Also Like
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
absolutely not
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.